


Please Don't Leave

by Kakeri



Series: In Our Moments of Weakness [2]
Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Heavy Angst, M/M, More tags to be added, Sorry Not Sorry, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things, Victor needs a hug, post-cannon, y'all have to suffer with me
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-03-05
Updated: 2017-05-15
Packaged: 2018-09-28 10:03:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 6
Words: 7,419
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10090400
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kakeri/pseuds/Kakeri
Summary: (Soo this can be read as a stand alone but I really recommen reading part one of this series called Moment of Weakness.)The last year of Viktor's life has been amazing, he's never felt happier but what happens when dark thoughts return and Yuri see's just how weak he really is?Edit: Thanks for over 1000 hits guys!! <3(Still suck at summaries guys.)





	1. Not again

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys! I'm starting another chapter fic! So please be patient if things don't update quickly, also I know this chapter is short but it seems like a good intro and I'm kinda proud of it. SO enjoy!
> 
> moya lyubov' is Russian for my love
> 
> I used google translate.

#  Chapter 1: Not Again 

It has been one amazing year for Viktor, he couldn’t believe how much one person could change him so much. Ever since Yuri, came into his life, everything about his world, seemed brighter. He didn’t have to force a smile all the time. He didn’t remember the last time he felt so happy.

But all good things must come to an end, right?

From the moment, he woke up today he knew it was going to be a bad one. He didn’t have the motivation to get out of bed, all he wanted to do was lie in bed and sleep all day. He could do that since his fiancé was still asleep but he knew Yuri would worry if he didn’t follow the normal routine. So, he forced himself to get out of bed, careful not to wake the sleeping beauty next to him.

He then went through the motions of the day, taking a shower, making coffee, usually he would attempt at making breakfast but he had no energy to do so, it wasn’t out of the ordinary for him to just lounge around. He made a cup of coffee for himself before sitting on the couch, browsing on social media on his phone.

##  _Viktor Nikiforov Return To Skating After A Year Away_

_Everyone was shocked when Nikiforov took off a year to go train Japanese skater Katuski Yuri, now everyone is even more shocked to find out that he is going to be coming back to competing while coaching this year. This has a lot of people wondering if he is even capable of doing such a feat. Everyone knows how demanding a sport figure skating is on the body and as skaters get older, it becomes harder and harder to do the jumps and spins. Nikiforov at age 27 will be the oldest skater competing, everyone is wanting to know how long his body will hold out._

Also, coaching takes up a lot of time and focus if Nikiforov plans to do both how will he find the time to-

Viktor turned off his phone and nearly threw it away from him but he didn’t want to wake Yuri, so he just turned it off and closed his eyes tightly. It was like he had been ripped out of a wonderful dream into a nightmare, he remembered why he was so ready to end it all a year ago.

_’Everyone’s right you know… You are too old, what if you injury yourself? What will happen if you can’t give Yuri your undivided attention and give him a half-assed program… What if-‘_

He pulled his hair until he felt it stinging, the pain helped him focus. “No… No… Everything will be okay… You have Yuri now, you’re engaged with someone who loves you… You aren’t alone anymore… Calm down.” He whispered to himself, relaxing just in time for his love to wake up and come out of their bedroom.

“Viktor… Is everything okay?” Yuri asked, rubbing his eyes cutely.

“Everything is okay _moya lyubov'_ I didn’t make any breakfast but if you go get dressed we can go to a nearby café we have a few days off before we have to start training.” He gave him a large heart shaped smile.

“Okay… I’ll be out in a minute.” Yuri said with slight blush, going back into the bedroom.

_’ I really hope everything will be okay……’_

He thought as he started getting ready for the day


	2. High and Low

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Viktor feels on top of the world until he doesn't.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it took so long, had some personal stuff I promise the next chapter won't take so long to come out.

# Chapter 2: High and Low

After reading the article, Viktor decided that he would prove everyone wrong. He had a lovely breakfast with Yuri and even though they didn’t have practice he went to the rink. He told Yuri that he just wanted to get a head start on training and even though his love seemed skeptical of him, he said nothing and let Viktor go.

So here he was after a whole day of practice almost a whole SP choregraphed and his FP as well as Yuri’s SP and FP drafted; he felt great. He was a sweaty mess, his hair stuck to his face and he was sure his feet had blisters on them but he felt like he was on top of the world. He could do anything he set his mind to. Deciding that he was done for the day, he got off the ice and took off his skates. He winced as he saw how badly his feet were bleeding.

_‘I may have over done it but it’s fine… Today I proved to myself that I’m not too old to be skating and that I am capable of skating and coaching. Who else can say that they planned two whole programs in just a day.’_

He smiled to himself, putting on his shoes, making a mental note to clean and wrap his feet. Tomorrow will be his and Yuri’s day but for today he needed this. He decided to go get some of his fiancé’s favorite dinner to make up for suddenly changing plans. His smile only grew wider as he thought about how productive he was today.

_‘Screw what the media says… I still got it.’_

He then went to pick up dinner and some flowers for the love of his life. When he got home the first thing he did was kiss Yuri like they hadn’t seen each other in weeks, needless to say that the other was very flustered.

“V-Viktor, what’s gotten into you?”

“Hm? Nothing! I just feel amazing! I got so much done at the rink. I choregraphed a whole SP and planned out both of our programs for next season!”

Yuri frowned. “That’s great but please don’t over work yourself.”

“I won’t love, I promise. I picked up dinner and here are some flowers for you.” He said smiling brightly.

“O-Oh thank you… These are lovely.”

“I just wanted to make up for changing plans so suddenly and tomorrow I promise that we will have a lazy day.” He hugged his fiancé tightly.

Viktor grinned as Yuri smiled at him. “Let’s eat!” He said, placing the food on the table.  After dinner and cuddling with Yuri, Viktor went to sleep feeling like nothing could bring him down.

 _‘I hope this lasts.’_ He though before sleep finally took him.

* * *

 

And it did last for about two weeks until he fell hard.

Viktor gasped as he crashed onto the ice, laying flat on his back, looking up at the ceiling of the ice rink. He heard Yuri and Yurio skate next to him.

“Vitya are you okay?”

“Stop being so dramatic and get up already, old man!”

Viktor couldn’t help but flinch at being called old, he sat up and put on his reporter smile. “I’m done for the day I think; you guys go ahead.” He stood up and got off the ice.

For the next hour or so that they were at the rink, Viktor couldn’t get out of his own head.

_‘See they were right, you’re getting to old… how many times have you done that jump and today you fall. It took you forever to get off the ice… You’re getting weak, next time you’ll hurt yourself. You should quit while you’re ahead. But what happens after you retire. No one will want you… No will-‘_

He was brought out of his downward spiral by Yuri.

“Vitya… are you okay? It’s time to go.”

“Oh.. yea. Yea I’m fine.” He smiled and grabbed Yuri’s hand, leading out of the rink, as they walked home he could feel his fiancé's worry and knew that he would be asked if he was alright when they got home.

_‘No… I’m not alright… But I can’t let him see that… I’ll just tell him I’m having an off day and I want to go to bed early… Yea that will work.’_

“Viktor… Are you okay?”

“Of course I am… We all fall sometimes Yuri, I’m just having an off day… That’s all.”

 He sweated under the look Yuri gave him, he didn’t look convinced but if he wanted to press, he didn’t and for that Viktor was thankful.

“Okay… But if you need anything I’m here for you.”

“I know love… I know. I’m gonna go to be early… I love you.” He said, hugging him tightly.

“I love you too.”

With that Viktor went into their room and laid in bed, taking out the letter he had wrote last year and reading it. He wouldn’t go back to that place again. He had people who cared about him, people who needed him.

_‘No one needs you… You need them. Once you stop skating no will love you. You’re useless.’_

That night Viktor cried himself to sleep.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey come talk to me at kakeris-fanfiction, on tumblr. I would love talking to you guys about my fics or other fics or I will take some request. Anyway I'm out peace!


	3. I am Damaged

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: This chapter has a graphic depiction of a suicide attempt. So pleeeeeeaaaassssseeee read this carefully.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welp. I almost cried while writing this chapter. If you ever, ever need help please call someone a parent, friend, close family member or call a suicide hotline.
> 
> National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255
> 
>  
> 
> [ Suicide Prevention ](https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/)
> 
>  
> 
> Please get help. I know this isn't a long list but it's something. People care about you. Please please get help.

 

# Chapter 3: I am Damaged

There were serval things wrong when Viktor woke up the next morning. First, he was still wearing his clothes from yesterday, like shoes and all and he never forgets to take off his shoes. Second, he feels like absolute shit, like someone in the middle of the night came and hit him upside the head with a bat multiple times shit. Lastly, though the most important thing was, Yuri was not in bed with him and when he noticed that he bedside drawer was open; he wished he could go back to sleep.

 

Everything was coming back to him, yesterday he had hit a low and he hit it hard. He didn’t hit it, it was more like crashing into a brick wall, expect the brick wall was his own mind. He felt tears coming again; he had taken out the letter to read it and ended up crying himself to sleep and since his fiancé wasn’t in the room with him, that meant two things probably happened. A) Yuri had heard him crying and being the sweet soul he was, wasn’t going to say anything last night and wait to today to talk to him about whatever was wrong and, B) That when Yuri had come to bed, he found the letter in his hands and got curious about it and read it. And is now having an anxiety attack or already had one and is just waiting for him to wake up so they both could act like there’s nothing wrong with him at all.

Viktor turned and groaned into his pillow, he couldn’t believe he forgot to put the letter away. That was stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid. He felt tears fall from his eyes, this time angry ones. He was supposed to be the strong one for Yuri, he was supposed to have everything together and now because of this he was going to fail and Yuri would leave him and it would be his fault.

_Like when your dad left you._

His mind so helpfully added, he let out a scream, muffling it in the pillow. At this point he didn’t care who heard him, he was so done, fucking done with everything. He should be happy, he’s a five time gold GFP medalist. He’s won gold at Worlds and the Olympics. He should be happy, his successful, he has friends who love him, he has a fiancé who would do anything for him and he’s not happy.

_Why can’t I be happy?! What’s wrong with me! I need to be happy, everyone excepts me to be happy but it’s so hard and I’m tired of fighting and I just want to give up._

He slowly let go of his anger and let an overwhelming wave of tiredness overtake him. It felt good to finally have that thought, that he’s tired of being what everyone else expected not himself. With Yuri, he could be himself and Yuri had asked him to be himself and he was so scared of letting him in that he kept up the act, not as much as he did when they were out in public but it was still an act. He still wasn’t “Viktor.”

_At this point I don’t even know who Viktor is anymore_.

He pulled at his hair to ground himself, if he didn’t go out now then Yuri would come in and find him like this. He needed to get out of bed and face him. Yuri didn’t need this kind of drama, he had his own problems. So, forcing himself out of bed, Viktor looked around the room and decided to change into some casual clothes, he already knew that there would be no point in going to practice today. It would only make him feel worse. Dreading what was about to happen, he took a moment to steal himself before going out into the living room.

_It’s Yuri. He loves you._

He plastered on a fake smile, not the ones he used for the camera’s, no this is the one he used for friends, close friends like Chris or Yurio. The people who knew if he was lying about how he felt and could easily see past the very practice smile for the press. This is a smile that he forced to reach his eyes no matter how tired he was.

“Yuuu-”

Whatever he was going to say died in his throat as he looked at Yuri, who had fallen asleep, with his letter pressed to his chest. It looked like he had been crying and it pained Viktor to know that he was in so deep into his own turmoil that he couldn’t even see that his fiancé needed him. He slowly went over to him and picked him up.

“ I’m sorry Yuri… I never wanted you or anyone else to find out, just how broken I am.”

He whispered, not even recognizing his own voice. He carried his sleeping beauty to bed and placed him in it gently, pulling the covers over him with a small smile.

“You shouldn’t have to deal with me… I’m so sorry I’ve caused you so much pain when you have done nothing but bring light into my life. I should be better. I promise I’ll be happy from now on. Even if I die trying, I will be happy for you. Until I can’t take it anymore I’ll force myself to be happy for you. Just please… Please don’t leave me… Please don’t go away just because I’m broken and damaged beyond repair. If you promise me that… I… I can stay here… I know I can.”

He didn’t know why he was saying all this to his sleeping love but saying aloud and thinking were two completely different things, he felt like the pit in his stomach had left but now it was replaced with nothingness and he hated it. Why didn’t he feel better about saying it? He acknowledged that he was fucked up and it didn’t make him feel any better.

He chuckled dryly as he left the room, there’s was no way he could just feel better. He would be like this forever, fighting for happiness, fighting for any little second of joy he could get and by being here he was dragging others down with him. He couldn’t bring others into his world of darkness, just because he had neglected life and love doesn’t mean he had to let anyone else follow down his path.

_You should just end it now, that would be less painful for everyone else if you did that. Just end it. Then everyone you love would be happy. They could move on and not have to be dragged down by you. They won’t even miss you that much. They won’t miss you. **They** don’t **need** you. **You need** them. You’ve always needed others, draining them of their time and energy so you could just get out of bed another day. _

_Everyone will be so much happier with you gone. End it. End it. End it now. Don’t you want them to be happy? Don’t you want them to move on? Don’t you want Yuri to find someone better? Someone who isn’t broken? End it! END IT!_

Viktor didn’t even notice that he had walked into the kitchen or the fact he had knife pressed to his wrist. All he noticed was the voice in his head that grew louder with every second.

_end it. End it. End It. End It! END It! END IT!_

He just wanted the voices to stop. He didn’t feel the knife cutting into his skin to deeply, marring the once smooth skin. He didn’t hear the knife drop to the ground and he didn’t feel the blood that pour from his wrist. All he knew was that it was finally quiet. The voice was gone and for the first time in a long time. He felt like he could sleep. Like he could finally be at peace.

Slumping to the ground, he struggled to keep his eyes open as blood stained the white tile in the kitchen. He looked to the bedroom door and could faintly hear Makkachin barking. It was becoming so distant though. He smiled, a genuine smile as he let his eyes close.

_Please be happy Yuri._

He thought, before his mind went blank.

 

 

When Viktor woke up the first time, it was hazy. He saw bright flashing lights, people yelling something. He saw Yuri crying and was confused. Yuri was supposed to be happy, why was he crying? He asked himself before he lost consciousness again. The second time he woke up, things were a little clearer, he was in a bed. At least he thought he was. He felt someone holding his hand and turned his head to see his Yuri there.

He wanted to say something to wake the sleeping man next to him but his mind felt cloudy and it was hard to keep his eyes open, so he just gave in and went back to sleep. The third time he woke up, he could think clearly and was finally able to register that he was in a hospital room. He saw the get well soon balloons and flowers. He tried to remember what happened to cause him to end up in the hospital.

Did he hit his head at practice or something? How long had he been there? He was about to start spiraling into worry but was stopped when he saw Yuri, Yurio and Chris standing in the door way. They were looking at him like they saw a ghost.

“H-Hey.”

He said weakly, only to have Yuri come up and hug him so tightly that he couldn’t breathe; he was about to make a joke but when he heard Yuri crying he felt his throat close up.

“Yuri?  Yuri? My love, what’s wrong?” He asked softly.

“I-I thought… I thought you were gone and I-… Viktor why wouldn’t you talk to me? Why didn’t you wake me up? Just… Why would you do something like that? Am I not enough? Did I do something wrong? Did I make you feel unloved?”

“Yuri. Yuri… Please take deep breaths. Please breathe with me, okay?”

He started breathing deeply, helping his fiancé calm down. He noticed that Chris and Yurio have failed to say anything, they were just standing by the door, watching them. Once Yuri had finally calmed down, Viktor smiled softly.

“Now. Can you please tell me what happened?”

Yuri looked at him, like he just got slapped in the face. “Viktor… I found you lying in a pool of your own blood two days ago.”

All the blood drained from Viktor’s face as everything came back to him. He remembered feeling angry, scared and helpless. He remembered walking into the kitchen as the voice in his head told him that everyone he loved would be better off without him. He remembered taking the knife and slitting his wrist. He remembered the blood that poured out of him. He remembered when the voice had stopped.

“oh… oh god.. Yuri… I’m so sorry… I’m s-”

He started sobbing.

“I’m so sorry… I’m sorry… I’m sorry… I just… I didn’t mean to… I’m sorry… Please don’t leave me… Please… I know you deserve so much more but please don’t leave me…. Please… I’m so sorry.”

“Viktor… Viktor calm down.” 

He gasped for air as Yuri pulled him into another hug.

“I’m not going to leave you… No one is going to leave you. We were all worried sick. Chris came all the way from Switzerland to see you. Yurio and I haven’t left the hospital since you’ve been here and Yakov comes after the rink closes and stays for hours. No one is going to leave you.”

It should’ve made him feel better but it only made him feel worse.

“I’m sorry I’m such a burden on you guys… I didn’t mean to take away your practice time or anything. I’m sorry…”

He looked up at the sound of Yuri sighing sadly.

“Vitya, rest. For me okay? We’ll talk more about this once you’ve slept properly.”

Viktor only nodded and closed his eyes, resting his head on Yuri’s chest. The voice in his head coming back.

_You should’ve died._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading this chapter. It was a hard one to write because if I'm being honest this is something that I have thought about but I've always pictured my friends and family reaction to if I would do something like this. So I don't know if it's just me being selfish or selfless but those thoughts have prevented me from doing anything.
> 
> Also Sorry for such a heavy chapter. Things should get better from here. If y'all wanna talk, you can find me  
> [ Tumblr](https://kakeris-fanfiction.tumblr.com/)
> 
> Please stay safe. Love y'all.


	4. I'm So Sorry

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Viktor says something to Yurio and realizes that he needs to get help.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What's up? It's been a while hasn't it? Welp I'm back baby and I hope to post more often from now on. Anyway enjoy the chapter. Peace!
> 
>  
> 
> **  
> _Viktor_  
>  **  
> _Viktors negative thoughts_

# Chapter 5: I’m So Sorry

 

When Viktor woke up the next morning, he felt better, not by a lot but he felt less floaty, more grounded than he had all week. He rolled over slightly the bed, expecting to see Yuri lying next to him but when he almost fell off, his eyes snapped opened as he scrambled to get back on the bed. He frowned when he noticed that he was in a hospital room. He groaned laying back in bed, wishing that it was all a dream but knowing it wasn’t.

He looked around, smiling when he saw that Yuri, Yurio, and Chris were all asleep. He relaxed slightly, realizing that it was still earlier and that they were going to be asleep for a little while longer, giving him some time to himself. He closed his eyes, enjoying the silence for a moment.

_They can’t even get a goodnights rest because of you_

He groaned and bit his lip.

**_No, that’s not true… They’re here because they care about me._ **

_If you had just bled out, they would be happier. You should’ve died. Now the media is going to find out and everyone will know just how broken you are. Your career would be ruined, your reputation ruined, Yuri’s career will be ruined._

**_…..That’s…That’s not true._ **

_Yes it is… You know it is. Everyone careers will suffer because of you. All your fault. It’s all your fault. You’re ruining everything, just because you can’t die right._

**_No…No.. Stop it… Not true.. It’s not true._ **

_You should’ve died. You should’ve died._

It kept repeating over and over. It wouldn’t stop, he just wanted the voices to stop. Why wouldn’t they stop? Before he knew it, Viktor was crying. He wasn’t making any noise, just tears silently rolling down his face. He just wanted to enjoy the peace before the storm that was going to happen, but he couldn’t cause the damn voices wouldn’t let him.

_You should’ve died._

They said over and over.

He didn’t know how long he cried for before Yuri gently held his hand.

“Vitya… Hey.. Hun whats wrong?”

Yuri said softly, like he was talking to a small child. Viktor snapped out of his downward spiral when he noticed that Yuri was awake. He held his hand tightly, gripping it like his life depended on it. If he was telling the truth, it did.

“….I... I…”

Viktor trailed off as he tried to think of what to say, without upsetting Yuri more than he already had. At this point both Yurio and Chris were up, watching the situation carefully.

“It’s okay Vitya. You can tell me.”

Everyone was staring at him, all them were so concerned and they looked like they…pitted him. He hated that, he worked so hard to avoid seeing pity in someone eyes. Ever since he was young people pitted him, he worked hard to prove them wrong. Now he felt like he was kid and everyone looked at him like he might shattered, pulling on the best smile he could muster he said.

“Nothing. Nothing. I’m fine.”

“Vitya-“

“I said I’m fine Yuri.”

Viktor ignored the look of hurt on his fiancé face and turned his back to him.

“I’m tired.”

“Right… You… umm You rest. We’ll be here when you wake up.”

Viktor closed his eyes, pretending to sleep just so he could be alone. Not to long after he closed his eyes, he heard the door open and then felt Yuri shaking him.

“Vitya… The doctor is here. Please wake up, he just wants to ask you a few questions then you can go back to sleep.”

Viktor sighed and opened his eyes, he was greeted with the sight of a man who couldn’t be that much older than him. The man smiled at him gently.

“Good morning Viktor. I’m Doctor Gorbachev. Can you please answer some questions for me? Then I’ll let you rest.”

Viktor just nodded and answered the doctor’s questions, wanting everyone to just leave him alone. He was already tired of people acting like he was this fragile thing that would break at any second. Once the doctor left he laid back down and closed his eyes, actually falling asleep this time.

When he woke up, it was dark, he heard people talking.

“He’s acting like an idiot.”

“Yurio… He’s going through a lot… I just didn’t think it would get this bad… I don’t understand why he wouldn’t say anything to me.”

“The idiot should’ve talked to someone instead of doing this! What if you didn’t find him in time.”

“Yurio don’t talk like that.”

Not wanting to hear anymore, Viktor opened his eyes and sat up. He noticed that it was only Yuri and Yurio in the room and when the two noticed that he was awake turned his attention on him.

“Oi! What were you thinking?!” Yurio all but yelled at him.

Viktor plastered on a fake smile and stared at Yurio.

“Oh Yurio, you actually care!”

He said in a singsong voice, he missed the shocked look on the two Yuri’s faces.

“Of course I care dumbass! You almost killed yourself! What were you thinking?!”

Viktor just rolled his eyes and glared at the young boy.

“And why exactly do you care about an old man like me? Do you want to know what I was thinking? I was thinking that if I killed myself I wouldn’t have to deal with an annoying brat like you anymore.”

He said with a heart shaped smiled, his eyes completely blank. Yurio just stared at him, tears coming to his eyes before he closed them tightly and stormed out the room. Yuri looked at him his mouth hanging open.

“Viktor. What… Why would you say something like?!” He all but yelled at him.

Viktor stared at Yuri in shock, it was rare for his fiancé to yell. He looked confused, like a child that had been scolded.

“What do you mean? He was asking about things that was none of his business.”

“Viktor… You just told him that it was his fault for you attempting to kill yourself. Yurio may act strong but he’s fifteen. He’s a kid Vitya. Why would you say something like that him? I get that you’re hurting and that you’re going through a lot of stuff right now, but you had no right to say that to a kid.”

Viktor opened his mouth to say something, then closed it. Yuri was right, he shouldn’t have said that to Yurio. He hadn’t even been thinking when the words came out of his mouth. He just wanted Yurio to stop talking to him.

“Yuri.. I-“

“No Vitya. I have to go make sure Yurio is alright. We’ll talk about this later. Okay?”

“Okay…”

He mumbled as he watched Yuri leave the room. He kept staring at the door, not noticing the tears falling down his face. Why did he say that to Yurio? God, what had he been thinking when he said that?

_Look at you… Blaming a kid for your own weakness. They hate you now._

**_No…No they don’t hate me.._ **

_Are you sure? You actually made Yurio cry. You made the Ice Tiger of Russia Cry. You’re a monster. Yuri is so disappointed in you now. The one person you didn’t want to disappoint and you did it. You truly are just a fuck up aren’t you?_

**_No. No. please just be quiet._ **

_Why? Because you know I’m right? You’re just a fuck up. You always have been. And you’ll always will be. Just because you managed to fool the world this long doesn’t mean it isn’t true. And when the media finds out about this, everyone will know that the great Viktor Nikiforvo is one big fuck up._

**_Please just shut up!_ **

He pulled on his hair as hard as he could to get rid of the thoughts.

**_It’s not true. It’s not true. It’s not true._ **

He repeated to himself over and over again. He could fix things, maybe not right now. But tomorrow he would apologize to Yurio and Yuri. He would then tell them everything. He would start to get help because if he didn’t he was going to lose himself.

_No one can help you. No wants to help you. You’re broken. No one wants a broken person._

**_Shut up. I’m done listening to you. I won’t let you beat me anymore._ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading the chapter! Hope you enjoyed it! If you want to make me write faster comments and kudos help a great deal.


	5. Please Save Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Viktor talks to Yuri.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Before you read this chapter. WOOOOO BOI YURIO EXHIBITION SKATE! MY GOD! SOOOO GOOD! I'M SHOOK!
> 
> Anyway. Back to the angst. Peace!

# Chapter 5: Please Save Me

Viktor didn’t know how much time had passed since Yuri and Yurio had left the room. All he knew was that a nurse came and tried to make him eat some food, which he refused. He knew that he hadn’t had a really good meal in a couple days but the thought of eating made him sick. The nurse however left the tray in the room and tried to encourage him to eat something before leaving the room again.

He watched the nurse leave before looking around the room, he focused on the ticking of the clock, something to distract his mind from the voice inside his head. He turned his head when the door open to see a red eyed Yuri and he felt a wave of guilt wash over him again. He stayed quiet as Yuri sat next to him, he thought his fiancé would say something to him, anything but all he got was a disappointed look.

_I told you so… He hates you now. Look you made him cry. You’re an awful person._

Viktor shook his head to get the voice to shut up, he opened his mouth then closed it again. He was scared to tell Yuri what was going on with him. But if he didn’t he could lose Yuri forever and if he lost Yuri then… No. He wouldn’t think about that. He had to stay strong. He had to explain what was happening.

“Yuri.”

He said softly, so softly that it was barely audible. He smiled weakly at Yuri when their eyes met. He tried to ignore the fact that Yuri held an apprehensive look about him.

“I…I’m ready to talk to you. Just you I…I can’t tell anyone else just yet.”

Yuri smiled softly and Viktor felt as if his whole world got a little brighter and he couldn’t help but smile back.

“Alright Vitya I’m listening.”

He took a deep breath, trying to calm his nerves.

**_I can do this… I can do this._ **

_Even if you tell him, he won’t forgive you. You shouldn’t tell him. He’ll think you’re crazy._

**_Shut up! I’m doing this._ **

“…I know that you read that letter… I wrote that last year. After…After winning the GPF five times in a row, I was beginning to think that nobody would be surprised by me anymore. And… And when I wrote that letter… All I could think about is how I was losing the one thing I was good at… The one thing… People wanted me for…”

He trailed off, Yuri didn’t interrupt him and let him take his time to gather his thoughts. He smiled softly, grateful to have someone like Yuri in his life. Someone who was so patient and kind.

“The night I wrote that letter I was going to kill myself… But… I couldn’t do it. So, I kept the letter. I kept it for months. I thought that if I read it every night then I would finally get off my ass and end it. Then the video of you skating my routine went viral…. Yuri you saved my life last year. I want you to know that.”

He mumbled softly, not trying to stop the tears that fell from his eyes. He felt Yuri take his hand and looked up to see that Yuri was crying as well. He held his hand back, squeezing it gently.

“And recently… I’ve gone back to thinking that way… I just want to make you and Yurio proud. I want to make my fans proud but it’s… It’s just… It’s just so hard… It’s so hard, when I see articles saying that I’m too old to keep skating. I don’t want to give this up yet. I’m not ready to give this up yet.”

He said softly, looking away from Yuri, his bang covering his eye.

“I love coaching you but I’m not done. So… I’ve been pushing myself harder and harder. I have to prove to everyone that I belong in the sport still. I need to prove to myself that I belong in this sport. But there’s this voice in my head… It.. It just keep telling me that if I stop skating everyone is going to leave me. And… And I know that it’s not true but I’m scared. What if when I stop skating everyone does leave me… What happens then? I don’t even remember cutting myself that night. But that voice was just yelling at me to end it. And I just wanted it to stop… I just want the voice to stop.”

He said softly as he pulled on his hair and start sobbing.

“I just want it to stop Yuri…”

He felt Yuri gently take his hands out of his hair before getting in the bed with him and pulling him into a hug. He relaxed into Yuri’s touch and they stayed like that in each other’s arms, crying and trying to comfort on another with their presence. Once they had calmed down, Viktor was forced to look at Yuri.

“Vitya. Why didn’t you tell me anything sooner? I could’ve helped you. You didn’t have to fight alone.”

“I know… I know that now but… I just didn’t want you to leave me… I didn’t want to be alone again.”

“Oh Vitya..”

He felt Yuri’s grip on him tighten and hid his face in Yuri’s chest as he stroked his hair.

“I’m not going to leave you. Thank you for telling me this. Once you’re released from the hospital. We’ll start looking for a therapist for you. But I need you to apologize to Yurio as soon as possible. He probably won’t talk to you for a couple days. But I want you to send him a text and tell him that you want to talk to him. Okay?”

“Okay, my Yuri. I shouldn’t have said that to Yurio. None of this is his fault.”

He mumbled before looking up at Yuri.

“And none of this is your fault my love. This is all me. I should’ve gotten help a long time ago.”

He said softly, looking up at his fiancé.

“I want you to know that none of this is your fault okay?”

“Okay, Viktor. Okay.”

He smiled weakly before laying back down on Yuri.

“I’m not moving for the rest of the night.”

He smiled when Yuri laughed.

“Okay. Okay. I love you Vitya.”

“I love you too, my Yuri.”

He said before he closed his eyes and fell asleep. For the first time in a while, he had a peaceful night’s sleep, wrapped in Yuri’s arms.

 

A few days after talking to Yuri, Viktor was released from the hospital.  Although he was under strict orders to not be left alone for more than hour at a time and he was not allowed back on the ice just yet. As discussed, the first thing he and Yuri did when they got home was look into therapy for himself as well as couples therapy for the both of them. They both agreed that they needed to work on communication. Viktor tried to call Yurio and had sent the teen multiple texts but got nothing in reply. Yuri had told him to give the teen a little more time but he still felt extremely guilty.

_Look what you did to the poor kid. You’re such a idiot. Do you really think going to therapy to talk about your feelings will get rid of what you done? How much you’ve disappointed people. You haven’t even talked to the press or your fans since you were in the hospital._

Viktor sighed and ignored the voice the best he could. If he was being honest with himself he had been avoiding talking to the press or posting anything on his official twitter and Instagram. It was a little overwhelming to think about right now. All he wanted to do was focus on getting better then he would worry about talking to the press and his fans. Though he knew he would have to talk to them sooner or later. He just really wanted it to be as late as possible.

He looked out the window of the apartment, feeling lighter than he had in months. He hummed to himself as he watched the outside world. He smiled when he felt a pair of arms wrap his arms around him.

“How do you feel hun?”

“I feel a lot better actually. I just wish Yurio would talk to me. I really need to apologize to him.”

“Don’t worry. I’m sure He’ll come around soon.”

Viktor smiled at him gently and hugged him back.

“Let’s go to bed. It’s been a long few days.”

He smiled as his fiancé stood up and lead him to the bed room. They both got ready quietly, just enjoying each other’s company. The two soon got into bed and that night Viktor could sleep peacefully, knowing that he was on the way to getting better.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hoped you like this chapter! Comments and kudos make me write faster.
> 
> Peace!


	6. You Will Be Found

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Viktor starts getting better.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wooooooooooooo I'm back! Sorry I've been gone for so long. I had finals and then I went on vacation. But umm I'm back now! I'll see y'all at the notes on the end! Peace!

# Chapter 6: You Will Be Found

A month after Viktor had come home from the hospital, things went back to normal for the most part. Although Viktor noticed how nervous it made Yuri when he went to the kitchen alone, or how his fiancé started waking up earlier than him, despite not being a morning person.  He noticed that some days, he just felt like there was a black hole swallowing him whole and he couldn’t escape it. While he hated all of those things, the one thing he noticed the most was how Yurio avoided him. He had been trying to talk to the teen. To apologize for what he said and how he acted, given more time to think about what he said only made him feel worse.

So, today was going to be the day he finally did that. He was going to find a way to make Yurio listen to him. He hummed softly as he walked with Yuri to the rink, holding his hand tightly. Recently, he felt like he needed to reassure himself that Yuri wasn’t going to leave him; he knew that it was an irrational fear but it never went away. Even with going to therapy the fear was still there, there was nothing he could about it. The therapist had said it was due to the fact he had an anxiety disorder as well as depression.

He sighed to himself as they walked into the rink, pulling away from Yuri he went to the locker room to change. His mood picked up a little when he saw Yurio, making long strides he walked over to the boy.

“Yurio- “

“Get the fuck away from me!” The teen yelled.

Viktor took a step back, eyes widening at the outburst. He really shouldn’t be surprised but he couldn’t help the shock that went across his face. He went slack jawed when he saw tears in the teens eyes.

“Yurio..”

He tried again, moving closer, only to get pushed away again.

“Get away from me?! What? Are you going to apologize?! I don’t want your stupid apology! I don’t need an apology from an asshole who was stupid enough to let words get to him! Only someone who is extremely dumb or weak would want to kill themselves! Stay away from me, I want nothing to do with weaklings!”

Viktor stumbled back as Yurio pushed past him, he watched the teen leave, tears threatening to fall. He expected an outburst, he really did, but not something like this. He wouldn’t have ever expected this.

_Look, he hates you now. You should’ve tried harder to talk to him. He never wants to see you again._

**_No… That’s not true… He’s just angry._ **

_Really? Cause he looked like he meant every bit of it. Or are you in that much denial? Like seriously, you told him it was his fault you wanted to kill yourself, when really it was just like he said. You’re weak. You’ll always be weak. Always._

**_Not true…. That’s not true._ **

Viktor thought as he hugged himself tightly, he knew that if he didn’t calm down soon Yuri would come looking for him. He already felt like a burden to the younger male and didn’t want to add on to it anymore. He promised Yuri, he would make things better with Yurio and he was going to keep it.

But for now, he needed to calm down, pulling himself together he walked back into the rink. He smiled softly, ignoring the worried look on his fiancé face. He managed to get through the rest of practice without breaking down. He smiled and talked to Yuri on their way home and when the younger man would ask if he had talked to Yurio yet, he would just brush it off and say he would talk to the teen later.

When they arrived at home he told Yuri he would take Makka out for a walk by himself. It always helped him clear his head, he tried to ignore the flash of worry that went through his loves eyes. Forcing a smile, he kissed Yuri on the top of his head before putting the leash on Makka.

Once they were outside he could relax, being out in the chilly air helped him focus. For right now it was just him and his dog. There wasn’t Yuri who constantly worried about him, there wasn’t Yurio who _hated-_ no who was made at him. There wasn’t Viktor Nikiforov, the figure skater. It was just Viktor and his dog on a walk. He took a deep breath and smiled to himself, a real smile. Those were rare nowadays but he couldn’t help but feel happy in this moment. Sure, everything wasn’t perfect and he still had a long way to go before he could say he was a happy person but in this moment, it didn’t feel like he had no hope.  

He felt proud of himself, in this moment he was able to recognize that it may not be okay now, but it would get better. He was thinking rationally and that’s more than what he could say a month ago. He still heard the voice in his head but he decided he wasn’t going to let it rule his life. He was going to find his own life and love without relying on other people to find it for him. As he walked home with Makka, he couldn’t help but feel like some giant weight was lifted off his shoulders. He felt like he had finally forgiven himself, for what? He wasn’t completely sure but it didn’t matter, what he forgave himself for, all that matter was that he was forgiven. Now the big obstacle was getting everyone else to forgive him, he started to form a plan in his head as he walked inside the apartment.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading this chapter!  
> Follow me on [ tumblr ](https://kakeris-fanfiction.tumblr.com/%20). Also I started a[ youtube channel](https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCpu4fesFjScYnQo1Bosz2Og) so check that out too.  
> Thank you for the support, I promise to be more active. I'm sorry for such the long wait.
> 
> Peace!

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys! Thanks for reading this, please leave a comment or some kudos. Also if you like you can hit me up at kakeris-fanfiction on tumblr. It's a blog I made just so you guys could come ask me questions and stuff. Soo yup that's all I got. Peace!


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